Just a mom.
Part of me smiles, thinking that I have chosen a life that is so dedicated to Little B and making sure that she grows into a beautiful, kind, confident young woman. Just a mom is exactly what she needs. Nothing more, nothing less. If all I do in my life is be a mom, that is a fantastic, wonderous achievement.
But another part of me cringes a little at that phrase. I have accomplished many things in my life before becoming a mother. I paid my own way through college. I have climbed the corporate ladder. I sprinted in adventure races. I have played on the beaches of Rio. I have run massive projects in foreign countries. I have gone canyoning in Switzerland (that is illegal here!). I am a business owner. Does all that just get wiped away when I became a mother?
No, of course not. But sometimes that is hard to remember when I look at my cute power suits, kick-ass heels, and mountain bike collecting dust. Little B will not necessarily see those accomplishments in my life that do involve her... well, at least not for now.
And being a goal oriented person, is it too aggressive to have goals in motherhood? Maybe. I don't want to project manage my baby like I do a team of developers. "We better have all those blocks picked up and your ABCs recited pronto! Are you listening to me, missy!" It would be ridiculous to think that I could "win" at being the best snot-nose-wiper this side of the Mississippi. Yeh, goal-oriented-mothering does not seem like a good idea.
My identity is shifting and evolving. The process feels a bit uncertain and uncomfortable, like getting used to new skin. I guess every season brings its own challenges to figure out. And this one is mine for now. But don't get me wrong... even though I am going through this mental struggle/shift, I love motherhood. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I would choose it over and over again every time.
One of things I am loving best during this time of detox from my previous corporate, goal-driven lifestyle is learning how to be present in the now. My little girl is actually teaching me that. She lives in the now... she is hungry for animal crackers now, not thinking about what will be for dinner later that night. When she is with her little friends, she does not think about the errands that need to be run. Heck no, she plays and laughs like it is her first and last time to do so all rolled up into one. She does not want to miss a drop of the here and now. And for that, she is the champion winner of living in the moment.
So as I go through the process of figuring out my new identity and what that looks like, I will make goals in a different sort of way. Here's what I have so far...
- My banana bread will be the best in the neighborhood, perfect for a rainy day breakfast or a hot, summer snack. I want my little girl to know that her mama makes her favorite banana bread.
- I will strive to really listen to my little girl, my husband, friends, and family so that know that they have been heard.
- Firefly catching will make a come-back this summer.
- The gusto with which I play hide-and-seek will be legendary.
- Picnics and tea parties will be had.
- Little B will brag about my snail-finding, earthworm-uncovering skills.
- My laugh-to-stress ratio will improve exponentially every month.
- The ROI on my garden-to-table dishes will make the family stockholders smile at the dinner board meeting each night.
- My book-reading skills will be magically. I will learn to do all the different characters voices just right.
Yep, I think these goals are a good start. Little B has it right in her view of the here and now. I may still dust off those corporate outfits and briefcase someday. But for now, I am good, just as I am. Living in the now and not worrying about what the next chapter might be. Because this chapter is pretty dang good in itself.
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